Here goes...
To Whom It May Concern:
At present I am 29 years old, approaching my 30th birthday in approximately 8 months. For most this is a milestone period and I am no exception. I have accomplished almost everything that I have set my mind to, career, education and now relationship. But one thing that is still lagging and is still work in progress is my body. My body has always been a sore subject for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was young my body has always been the topic of conversation and always on the tip of everyone's tongue. When I was young I was given the nickname "Gordo" (which translates to fat) and for the longest time growing up I truly had no idea what the word meant or its symbolism. As I grew older I realized that the funny nickname that I wasn't given was not a term of endearment but a way to belittle me in plain sight. Everyone laughed off the nickname but as I grew older, that hurt. That hurt carries into adulthood. When I was older my nickname became cheeks, since I always had chubby cheeks (from a baby and into adulthood and for the most part today) and yet this was something that I was expected to respond to, or tolerate. Nicknames which exploit my body for comical gain. I came to realize that I was being laughed at, not loved. Loving people should never exploit physical features and apply a nickname to them.
If it wasn't bad enough having my physical stature constantly used to define me, my eating habits also gained the spotlight more and more as I got older. I would often get comments from everyone stemming from "do you really think you need to be eating that" to "that's going to make you fatter" which created a sense of confusion and association of food being a bad thing. Especially since all my household had growing up was unhealthy foods, but I wasn't supposed to eat it. Was I supposed to starve? I was constantly being singled out and the spotlight shown whenever I attempted to eat almost anything. I was pressured to eat more food during dinner time but scolded when I did eat. This led to more confusion and association of food to be something that I should hide. Which I did. I became a closet eater. I did the most damage to my waistline when I resorted to sneaking food into my bedroom where nobody could see me. I was so ashamed to be eating that I would hide all evidence (wrappers, etc.) so nobody would find it. I would sneak food in my pockets and scurry into my room so nobody would catch me eating for fear of their ridicule. Eating out is a constant struggle for me today. I am afraid of people looking at me...judging me for eating the way I often was growing up.
Then came the attacks on how I would dress myself. For a while I would wear oversized clothes to hide my body. So nobody would see the disgusting figure that was underneath. I didn't want anyone to see how fat and ugly I was and this was due to all the ridicule I would face day in and day out. Constant nitpicking over my stomach showing, to stretch out my shirt or for me to get longer shirts to cover my backside which was large as well. Everything that was fed into my head growing up all related to me not being good enough, attractive enough or something that should be hidden. Rather than encourage me in ways to better myself or to get in shape, I was pushed into hiding. To hide my body on the beach, yet publicly ridiculed for keeping my shirt on in the pool or at the beach. In the off change that I did take off my shirt someone was always quick to point out that my shorts were riding low that I needed to pull them up to hide my stomach and love handles. It has taken so long for me to be able to go to the beach and feel comfortable like I should even set foot there. So many years of me wishing I could take a knife and cut off the fat that made people pick on me, tease me because it was never in anyone's mindset to encourage me to get in shape rather than ridicule me.
I have such an unhealthy obsession about getting in shape that I don't know if I ever truly will be happy. I can't eat in front of people without watching their eyes to see if they're judging me for what or how I am eating. I used to starve myself and even attempted purging to get into shape because I was too afraid to set foot in the gym. Afraid to set foot in the gym because I was afraid what people would think of me just the same way you guys all thought of me. Fat that needed to be covered up. That shouldn't be eating this that or the other. I struggled and continue to struggle so much with my body image. Yet as hard as I am working the people who drove to me to such obsession can't see fit to offer any encouraging words of support or even acknowledgment of how far I've come. It pains me to constantly be in the shadow of everyone else yet you refuse to acknowledge the progress that I have made. You all can acknowledge everyone else's build but fail to realize my transformation. Even time apart cannot break the image you have of me. You still see me as Gordo when I am not the same person. Inside I am but on the outside I have changed so much, yet you treat me the same. I will forever more be the fat son you reared, the fat son you shamed and the son you damned to never feeling comfortable in his skin. The son who walks in fear that people are judging him and how he looks. The son who often thought about ending his life rather than dealing with another day of ridicule at school AND at home.
Thank you for causing me years of damage that I will probably never get over. Thank you for making me with such heightened neurosis that I am always in fear of someone calling me or insinuating that I am fat. That anytime someone comments on me eating something, I subsequently starve myself as a reaction. And Lastly, thank you for showing me exactly how I will NOT be to my children. I will encourage and demonstrate a healthy lifestyle rather than shame them into submission.
Yours Truly,
RCJ.